When I Couldn't Help
by Just4FunFiction
Summary: This is another first-person story. Much like the other first-person piece I did, I've written this to try and deal with some emotions that I've been feeling. Also, this is not an accurate re-telling of what happened- it is very much an over-exaggeration, but the emotions that I've written in this story are the emotions I've been feeling. Never let fear hold you back in life. Ever.


It had started out as an ordinary day. I got up like always, showered like always, got dressed like always, ate breakfast like always and went to school like always. Up until lunchtime, everything had been normal, or at least, as normal as it gets at P.S.118. Once the lunch bell had rung, I went to my locker with Gerald like usual. We put our stuff away, then went to the cafeteria to get something to eat.

"You think they'll ever tell us what the mystery meat is?" Gerald asked me.

I shook my head and laughed. "Not in a million years," was my response.

We walked into the queue and worked our way down it, filling our trays with what we fancied having for lunch. It wasn't until me and Gerald started walking towards a table that everything went wrong. I felt something catch under my foot and I tripped, knocking into someone who was sat down eating.

"Oof!" I said as I knocked into them. "Sorry about that. I don't know what hap-"

I was unable to finish what I was saying when I looked at them. It turns out that it was Rhonda that I had knocked into, but that wasn't the reason that I stopped talking. No, I stopped talking because Rhonda had begun to choke!

"Rhonda?" I heard Nadine ask, although it was a bit faded, as her friend began to cough and splutter. "Rhonda, are you okay?"

All I could do was watch with wide eyes as she placed her hand against her throat, and her eyes began to water. She looked terrified as she tried to cough whatever she had been eating out, but to no avail.

"Rhonda's choking!" Gerald shouted, but again, it was faded. Everything sounded faded except for Rhonda in that moment. "Someone needs to do something!"

"She may need the Heimlich," Phoebe explained. She walked up to Rhonda and helped her to stand up. "Nadine, get her a glass of water, and Gerald, go get Mr Simmons!"

As Phoebe began to help Rhonda, delivering firm strikes to her back, I felt as if my world was spinning. There was a voice in my head, telling me to help her, telling me to do anything, but no matter what, I couldn't move. I couldn't raise a hand, I couldn't take a step, I couldn't even bring myself to speak. A few others had now begun to help Phoebe in giving strikes to Rhonda's back, and the voice started screaming. _"Do something! Help her!"_ But no matter what, I was stuck. It wasn't until Rhonda coughed up what she had been choking on and Mr Simmons arrived that my hearing went back to normal.

"Rhonda? Are you okay?" Mr Simmons asked her as she began to take deep breaths of air.

"I- think- so," was her panted response. She saw Nadine approach with the glass of water and accepted it. "Thanks- Nadine."

They helped her as she slowly sat back down, but still, I couldn't move. It felt good to see she was okay, but I had done nothing to help her. NOTHING. All while everyone tried to help her, at the time she most needed it, I was frozen. I felt sick to my stomach. I felt my own eyes tearing up. A lump had formed in my stomach.

"Hey, Arnold!" Gerald spoke to me. I felt him put his hand on my shoulder and lightly shake me. "Arnold? You okay, man? You look kinda spooked." It was when he waved his hand in front of my face that I felt I could move again. I blinked a couple of times and flinched backwards. I looked around for a second, first at Mr Simmons, then at Phoebe, then at Rhonda. Seeing that she was still recovering made me feel worse. I then looked back at Gerald. "Seriously, man, what's wrong with you?"

I was still for another second, before I dropped my tray and sprinted out of the cafeteria. I was well aware that everyone was giving me strange looks as I passed by, but I didn't care. I just kept running- out of the cafeteria, through the hallway, out of the front door, down the streets, and right back to the Boarding House. I ran straight inside, ignoring the calls and glances from my grandparents and the boarders. I went straight up the stairs and into my room, slamming the door behind me. Once I was alone in there, I allowed myself to cry.

"How could you do that?!" I shouted at myself, throwing myself against the bed. "She's your friend, and she needed help! Why didn't you do anything?! You did absolutely nothing! All you did was stare! You're supposed to be the guy who can help people, so why didn't you?!" I started punching against my pillow, my self-rage taking over me. "Stupid! Gutless! Pathetic! Miserable! Coward!"

I must have punched my pillow for a good two minutes before I finally collapsed, sobbing as I curled my legs up against my chest. I felt horrible, and the more I thought about what happened, the worse I felt. I could still hear the sounds of her choking, and of everyone who was patting her back to help her cough it up. I looked up through my teary eyes and saw the photo of my mom and dad- two people who dedicated their lives to helping others, no matter what. I used to think that I was like that, but after what happened in that cafeteria, I didn't feel so certain.

"I'm sorry," I cried, grabbing the picture in one hand, "I've failed you. I know that if it was either of you, you wouldn't have hesitated. You would have just helped her." I gulped as I felt my emotions dialling up further. "Some son I turned out to be."

I dropped the photo against the bed, burying my face into my hands as I continued to sob. I stayed in my room for a number of hours, ignoring all the requests from my grandparents to come out or let them in. They didn't understand- they couldn't possibly understand. Most of the time, they walked away and left me to my own misery. If I hadn't been so caught up in my own emotions, I would have let them in, but in my own stupor, I couldn't bring myself to get off the bed. There were a couple of times that they stepped inside, but I wouldn't respond and they went away again. It wasn't until about four o'clock when Grampa tried again. I'd stopped crying by that point, but I hadn't really calmed down.

"Hey, Short Man," he spoke, his voice softer than normal. "You feel okay?" I didn't respond, hoping he would walk off and think I was sleeping. This time, however, he sat down on the bed beside me. I couldn't fully ignore him this time, no matter how hard I tried. "Come on, Arnold," he gently pushed against my arm, "this isn't healthy. When have you not been able to talk to me, eh?"

I knew that he was determined this time, so I sighed. "You wouldn't understand," I muttered. It felt too hard to speak about what had happened. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be! I called the school to see if they knew why you left, and they told me what happened." My eyes opened a bit at hearing this. "It must have been pretty scary, seeing your friend struggle like that." I sighed again, closing my eyes. He really didn't understand. "I know I normally tell ya that something like this happened to me when I was your age, but in this case, there never was." We heard the doorbell ring. "Now, who the heck is that? Eh, someone else can get it. Look, Arnold, my point is that even with something scary like this happening, there's a way to deal with it, and this isn't it. You'll find a way to, you'll see."

"You really don't understand, Grampa. It's more complicated than that."

I heard him sigh. "Okay, Arnold."

"Arnold?" I heard Gerald call in. Turning over, I saw he had come upstairs and entered my room, along with Phoebe. "Hey, sir, is it okay if we speak with him for a second?"

"Go ahead. I was just heading downstairs anyway."

So, Grampa headed back downstairs, closing the door behind him. Gerald walked up to the bed and sat down beside me, while Phoebe grabbed the chair from my desk and sat on it close to my bed.

"Why are you guys here?" I asked, though barely audibly.

"We wanted to see how you were doing," Gerald explained. I could see Phoebe nod as well. "We figured that you left because of what happened with Rhonda, and that you needed cheering up."

I sighed. "I guess." I then looked over at Phoebe. "Thank you, Phoebe."

"Me?" she asked, putting a hand against her chest. "What for, Arnold?"

"For helping Rhonda earlier. You dealt with that so easily- if not for you, Rhonda might have… have…"

"Arnold," she placed a hand against the bed, stopping me from finishing that sentence, "it's okay. It wasn't just me that helped her, we all did."

I felt the tears and anger return as I sat up. "But that's exactly it, though. YOU helped her. GERALD helped her. Nadine helped, Mr Simmons helped, and what did I do? I froze! I stood there, wanting to help whilst doing nothing I just stood there while she was choking, and you did everything to help!"

Gerald must have known I was getting too emotional. "Arnold, relax. It's all over, it's okay-"

"It's not okay!" I snapped at him. He stared at me, wide-eyed. "I should have done something, and I easily could have, but I didn't. It was my fault she was even choking, but I was unable to do anything about it, and when it was all over, I ran like a coward! I was that ashamed of myself! I-"

"Arnold, get a hold of yourself!" I looked at Gerald as he shook me, and once again, I found myself unable to speak. "Arnold, you have helped in many ways over the years that most adults couldn't- helped to kick an addiction, kicked off a music career and revived another, stopped a theatre from being destroyed, freed a tortoise- but none of those things are on the same level as saving a life. No one blames you for not helping."

"He's right, Arnold," Phoebe added, so I turned my attention to her. "It's perfectly common for someone to freeze up in such a high-pressure situation, where someone's life is on the line. There were still people who helped her, and the important thing is that she made it through it. She's okay now, so it really doesn't matter."

I just shook my head and looked at the ground. "It does matter. If you weren't there, or Gerald, or anyone else- if it had just been me, she wouldn't have made it. And as for nobody blaming me? I do. And I have no doubt that Rhonda blames me too. She probably never wants to speak to me again."

"That's where you're wrong." I looked up and gasped when I saw Rhonda there. Looking at Gerald and Phoebe, I figured that they didn't bring her, because they too were surprised. "I'm sorry for interrupting, but I wanted to come see you."

"How come?" I asked.

"I overheard Gerald and Phoebe saying you were shaken by what happened, and I figured you might be feeling guilty." I ducked my head back down, thinking that she was here to blame me, but she lifted my head with her hand and gave me a sympathetic look. "Arnold, it was an accident. There was no way you could ever do something like that on purpose- you're just too kind and selfless to. And if it had been me in your position, I probably would have frozen up too. I know that you're the guy that most people go to for help, but I doubt anyone could expect you to do something in a situation like that- you're nine, Arnold!" I tried to look away, but she just pulled me into a hug instead. "I'm okay, Arnold. You don't have to worry about it anymore. It's over. I completely forgive you."

I couldn't help it but cry as I hugged her back. "I'm so sorry, Rhonda. I promise that I will not freeze up if something like this ever happens again."

"I know you won't, Arnold."

So, eventually she had to go back. Gerald and Phoebe made sure I was okay, before they too went home. I ended up sitting in my room for a bit longer. I didn't fully believe what they told me, and I still felt guilty, but the fact that they checked if I was okay allowed me to move on and hope that I would get past this.

Unfortunately, I haven't fully come to terms with it. This was a long time ago, but every now and then, my memories of this pop up, and it reminds me of the one time when I couldn't help, and what almost happened because of it. I never want anything like this to happen ever again- not if there is anything I can do about it.

THE END


End file.
